I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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