I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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