It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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