I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
