I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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