Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
