I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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