i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
