I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
