my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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