My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
