I just saw a hot homeless man
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
