haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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