my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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