does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you never un-have a 4some
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
