Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
