I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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