New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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