I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
