I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
