um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
