I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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