I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
