i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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