Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize