I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
