Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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