Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
