Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
