I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Randomize