I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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