Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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