Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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