You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
