I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize