how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
