I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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