Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
