mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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