Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
