He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
