You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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