What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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