after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
