Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
