There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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