I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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