I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
