I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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