Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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