the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
