I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
