There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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