I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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