Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
