My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
