this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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