My Higher Power is John Stamos
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
