9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
