I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
