ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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