Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
