I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
