on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
