these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
There's a naked man in my car right now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
