my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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